Earth Fathers Are Weird Read online

  That was odd because his hot body was pressed up against the small of Max’s back, but then Max realized they would swim together when Xander said that. Xander was so small, he was probably getting dry faster.

  The tentacles around Max’s neck loosened, and Kohei slid down Max’s back so he was huddled around his brother.

  “They’re scared and cold and dry,” Max said to the invader, and he hoped at least a couple of those words translated. He wasn’t sure if the improved translation was a function of being in the control room or if the computer had aligned the languages, but he needed these guys to understand the danger.

  The lift door opened, and the alien backed out before issuing a curt, “Come.”

  Max sighed, but after a few seconds, he followed the order. Max spotted two more aliens near the corridor that led to the medical room. That made five aliens so far, and Max didn't know how many he hadn't seen. The odds were not good, which was why he was still trying to play nice.

  The guard kicked Max to get him to take the right turn at the next intersection. Max stopped. He turned and looked at the flunky. “Wrong direction.”

  The invader jerked toward Max as if he might head-butt him, or at least chest bump him. He wasn’t the tallest alien in the world. “Move.” He then raised his weapon.

  Max clenched his teeth. This was absolutely the wrong direction. This part of the ship had claustrophobic cubbies or bunks that Max assumed were either used for fragile cargo or low-paid workers. It might be a seedy version of an alien barracks. But none of these cubbies had access to water. Without water, the children wouldn't survive long. Even James, as adventurous as he was, never stayed out of the pool for more than thirty minutes, and they were already coming up on that deadline. Max's wet shirt would not protect them for long.

  “Offspring need water. Pool. Fluid.” Max tried every synonym he knew in the hopes that something would get through to his captor. Tentacles tightened around Max’s waist, and Xander started a steady stream of burps that came out so soft that the translator didn’t pick them up. He knew something was wrong; Max was starting to regret that Xander knew so much English.

  “Move.”

  “Offspring.” Max planted his feet, but the next thing he knew, the flunky had struck out with one of his leg tentacles, kicking Max low in the abdomen.

  Max collapsed to the ground, landing on his hands and knees. The blow had driven the air from him, and he gasped and retched as the pain ripped through him. Xander's belches turned into something louder and wilder, and infinitely more distressed, but Max couldn't focus on that. If this asshole locked them in one of those bunks, Max would have to watch the children suffer and bleed and die in his arms. The only reason Max was cooperating was to save the children, so if he had to choose another path to give them even a small chance of survival, he was okay with that.

  “Move,” the alien repeated. He didn’t even bother raising his gun, but then again, Max figured writhing in pain undermined any machismo he might have had going for him, not that Max was a Rambo to start with. And he knew from Rick that aliens thought the human form looked frail and a little unbalanced.

  After crawling to the wall, Max rested his hand against it a moment before he started climbing back to his feet. Fuck, he hurt. If that asshole had caused internal damage, Max's timeline would be even shorter. If he was bleeding internally, he had a limited amount of time to deal with this before his own injuries would make that impossible.

  Max started heading down the corridor in the direction the flunky had indicated. The whole time, he kept his hands against the wall to steady himself. He stumbled several times, falling to his knees as he clung to the rail that lined most of these corridors. But each time, before the invader could strike out again, Max pulled himself to his feet and continued. Max had never been particularly religious, but now he prayed. He prayed to God or the universe or karma or whatever force controlled luck, because he needed to get to the next juncture.

  If the invader was going to lock them into one of the nearest cubbies, Max would need to make a desperate move. But if he could get to the junction with the next corridor, he had options. Max continued to stumble along. Under his shirt, tentacles twitched against his skin, and Max had never felt so desperate in all his life. Even during that near-fatal training exercise, he had never felt such cold, raw terror. Back then, the only thing he faced was his own death, and now he had more to lose.

  With each step, Max felt the tiny ember of hope grow brighter. As they approached the corridor that intersected their own, Max stumbled again, and fell to the floor. The guard didn't even react, most likely distracted by Max’s feigned clumsiness.

  He was taking a page from Xander, the original Xander. That Xander had shown up for a fight with a master vampire, rock in hand. Max could damn well show up to a gunfight with a maintenance rod. He wrapped his fingers around the rod-shaped hook tool hidden where the floor and wall met, and when he started to get up, the flunky moved closer to prod him into action.

  Max spun around and darted forward. He aimed between the center leg tentacle that faced him and the one to the right, and he shoved that hooked rod straight up into the diamond shaped underside. The gun clattered to the lightly-padded decking, but Max ignored the temptation. He didn’t know alien weaponry well enough to turn it against the invader, and Max needed to end this before reinforcements could arrive.

  The rod sunk into the alien’s flesh two or three inches, and the creature gave a high-pitched scream as its small tentacles all curled inwards, grabbing for that rod. Warm suction cups slapped against Max’s arms and hands before wrapping around him.

  Max suspected that a few inches of rod wouldn't prove fatal, so he shoved up with all his might. He drove it deeper into the invader's body. Then he yanked down. Hard. The hook, designed to pull up plating, ripped through something vital. Max smelled the stench of rotten eggs as greenish yellow bile flowed over his hands.

  Not willing to risk an enemy at his back, Max impaled the guard again, and his hands sunk into the torn underside. Flesh squished, and Max knew this would feature in his nightmares later, but right now he had an obligation to protect his children. The flunky’s screams turned into a wet gurgle. Death sounded the same in any creature.

  Unwilling to prolong anyone’s pain, Max wanted to end it. He ripped the rod out again. The invader’s tentacles slowly uncurled as he sank to the floor. With one final surge, Max drove the hooked end deep into the alien body, this time right through one large plate-shaped eye. Sensory organs had to connect to a brain structure, and that must be the same for aliens because the body collapsed like an underinflated balloon.

  Max felt squirming little ones at his back struggling to work their way up. One of Kohei’s tentacles reached around to the front of Max’s unbuttoned shirt, and the top of his head appeared.

  “No,” Max said as he held the fabric against his skin with blood-stained hands. “You don’t need to see this.” He quickly backed away from the body, but he couldn’t lose too much time in an attempt to shield the children. He had to clean his hands off so he could climb and grasp tools and find water.

  Those were on his short list of tasks to accomplish. His full list included slaughtering all the assholes who threatened his ship.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Max needed to get to water fast. He doubled back and headed for the nearest crew room. “Let’s get you guys wet, and then we’ll get back to the pool room.”

  The clock was working against them. The second an enemy found that body, they would all go on high alert. Any advantage Max had would be lost. However, he had taken the risk in order to save the children, so letting them dry out was not an option.

  He rushed to the nearest crew quarters. “Let's get you wet. Kohei, hold your brother.”

  As he started untying the bottom of his shirt, he felt the boys shifting around at his back. There was a small service area under the pool room that had an open tank to feed the water filtration tower
s. The water ran too fast for comfort and Max worried that a stray tentacle could get sucked into the filter system, but that might be the safest place to hide the children. Once the invaders realized that Max was on the run, they would look in the pool.

  Max toyed with the idea of leaving them in crew quarters with access to a sink, but he didn't like their odds of they were trapped in such a small space. At least in the filter room, mechanical pieces created niches and hiding spaces. And as James had already proven, the children knew how to hide.

  Max slowly slipped the shirt off. The children clung to him, or Kohei did anyway, and he had a firm grip on his little brother. Max pulled the two offspring around. Sure enough, it was dry. Kohei wrapped his tentacle around the edge of the sink where Max had turned the water on, and he pulled himself and his brother up to the rim.

  Xander was disturbingly pale, so Max scooped water over Xander before doing the same for Kohei. They were slopping water everywhere, but Max didn't care. He didn't even care if they left a trail for the invaders. He would care about that when they left the pool room. Once they got James, then Max could not risk having their movements tracked.

  “Xander, query. Good?”

  “No.” Xander said, and it was the most heartbreaking syllable Max had ever heard.

  “Okay, let's get you to the water. Let's get to James.” Max lifted the boys onto his back before he rinsed the worst of the blood out of his shirt.

  Xander made low belching noise that the translator completely missed. But Max had to put Xander's distress out of his mind and focus on the mission.

  If he did not clear the area of enemy, all of them were in mortal danger. The same adrenaline that had driven him when he’d leapt into his jet as the sirens had gone off on the tarmac drove him now. He tied the two shirt arms around his neck to create a sling and tugged on Kohei’s tentacles to urge him down into the sling. Then grabbed his weapons. He didn't even know how to fire the alien gun, but once he got the children to a safe place, he'd figure it out. These assholes would regret invading his ship.

  Then Max would figure out what the fuck Rick was doing with his security that they could wander around the ship without any alarms going off. Max was starting to think that Rick had a few screws loose in the old head sack.

  Max checked the corridor before he dashed for the lift. The lift would be the most dangerous part of this. If the doors opened onto a pair of aliens, he would have almost no ability to defend himself. He was confident he could take at least one with a good solid hook to the bottom of their body mass. Now that he had killed one that way, he knew how much force it would take to pierce that skin and do a lot of internal damage.

  But that would give the second one time to counterattack. But, if Max tried to use the service corridor doors that he had found during his explorations, it might take too long. He would have to make more stops to keep the children wet and that gave the enemy far too much time to find their fallen comrade.

  Max tucked the alien gun into his waistband and prayed that the thing had a safety. He needed both hands to grip the maintenance hook. He forced himself to breathe and steadied his nerves as the lift doors opened on the pool level. Empty corridor. “Thank God,” he whispered. And then he ran as quietly as he could for the pool room.

  The pool took up most of this level, so the invaders should have dismissed it from their minds as soon as they believed they had everyone captured. Aliens might have had great technology, but they couldn't tactically think their way out of a wet paper bag. He planned to take full advantage of that blind spot.

  The pool room was dark when he went in, the illumination set to half power. “James?” Max let the door slide shut behind him, and he inched into the room. He was met with an anxious round of blurbles and burps and whale song.

  “Max. You returned. Query brothers? Max. Query Rick? Query...” The translator failed, leaving ugly burping. Either James was practicing profanity or that was the name of their invaders. Max spotted James on the edge of the pool, his tentacles all curled up under him. Max hurried to the edge and let the shirt sling down into the water so that Xander and Kohei could soak themselves.

  “You're going downstairs to the small pool room. I will find Rick,” Max said.

  All James’s tentacles waved madly. “Max. Danger.” James added a warbling cry the translator missed. He had a whole new set of experiences to program into the damn thing, just as soon as Max finished killing all the motherfuckers.

  Xander countered with a long string of whale song that the translator was inadequate to handle. Out of the entire soliloquy, the translator only picked up “Max,” “Rick,” “maintenance hook,” and “wet.” However, with those clues, Max had a pretty good idea of what Xander was explaining. He was just glad the children hadn’t seen the killing. It was bad enough they had heard it. If they didn't need therapy, Max would for exposing children to that kind of shit. The one thing he had always hated about shows like The Tomorrow People and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was how children were pushed into a fight that they were far too young to understand or emotionally cope with.

  Max didn’t care what Rick said about them being adults, they weren't. They might have the cognitive abilities of an adult, but they did not have the wealth of experience. A strong foundation in love and honor added to a long history of family support would help blunt the sharp edges of death. The children didn’t have that yet.

  Max went to his knees next to the pool. “Come on, we need to run.” None of the children argued, and Max gathered them up and slipped them back into his sling after he'd wrung it out a little bit. Now was the time they couldn't afford to drip or leave any sign of their passage. The easiest way for these invaders to win was for them to find the children and use them as hostages. That made hiding them priority number one in Max's book.

  He chose the exit that led to the mechanical workings of the ship instead of risking the lift. There was a narrow passage here, one Max had carefully shimmied down when he’d explored this level. At the time he’d hoped to find any cure for boredom as he waited for the mysterious children he was supposed to nanny. Now he slid down the shaft, slowing himself enough that he could control the six-foot drop to the floor at the next level. Max suspected the shaft had something to do with overflow of from the pool because it led into the lower filter room.

  The light dribbled in from above where the filtration pipes led to the upper pool. It gave the room an ominous glow as that light bounced off the waves. Max walked to the edge of the pool, but he held on to the sling tightly. “Kohei, hold Xander. Protect Xander from moving water,” Max said. Kohei was the most athletic, and Rick had said the eldest had a certain instinct to care for younger siblings. Max had to trust him to take care of Xander now, because Xander was not a strong enough swimmer to fight the current.

  Kohei wrapped two tentacles around a pipe and held his brother with the rest. His tentacles and Xander’s tangled together until they were one knot of octopus. “James, if enemy comes, hide your brothers. Show how to hide.” Hopefully, he would find some good hiding spots in the room.

  James curled his tentacles around Max’s wrist. “I continue with Max.”

  “Absolutely not. No. You stay here with your brothers.” Max tried to pull James’s tentacles away, but he had more strength than Max had anticipated.

  “I go Max. I know ship. I know access codes and internal scanners.”

  Max cringed because James did have a point there. If Max could use internal scanners to identify where the enemies were, his odds of success went up. But that did not justify putting James in the middle of a damn counterattack. “No. Show me how to access scanners.”

  “Too complex. Time too short. Must win enemy.” For someone with a limited understanding of English, James was good at choosing words that would translate in order to communicate his ideas.

  “No. Dangerous.”

  “All danger.” James wrapped two more tentacles around Max’s arm. “Quickly win enemy. I work sca
nners.”

  Max's hands started to lose some feeling. Fear and dread built in the pit of his stomach. They did not have time to fight about this because the enemy could find that body at any moment. Max lived in constant terror of hearing some alarm over the ship’s systems. Of course, that was assuming that the ship had alarm systems because at this point, it didn't seem like anyone had considered internal security during its design. “I must go,” he said firmly.

  “I must go also.”

  Xander chimed in. “Max and James work against enemy together. Let James help.”

  Max glared at the obnoxious little traitor. Any other time he would have argued, but he couldn’t waste another second. “Kohei, take care of your brother.”

  With one last look toward the two of them huddled together, Max took off for the door. “Query, where’s the nearest console?”

  James reached toward the wall, and Max checked both directions before he stopped near a glass panel. He had suspected they were control panels like on the translation computer, but nothing he did activated them.

  James’s motions were sure and quick as he called up an internal schematic of the ship. What Max had thought was a command deck was a transition of some sort between what appeared to be the lower decks and some sort of higher-security upper deck structure. With a few quick taps, James changed the display, and a number of dots moved around the various sections.

  Two yellow dots were in the filtration room, and Max pointed at the display. “Hide them,” he said.

  James jerked his tentacles back. “Can’t. Can only distract display.”

  Even though Max didn’t understand what that meant, he dropped the issue. If James couldn’t accomplish some piece of programming, Max wasn’t going to guilt him about it. So he focused on his job. In the corridor outside the filtration room, one yellow and one blue dot blinked. That implied the computer was tracking different species rather than intruders and people who should be on the ship. Two dots were in the corridor by the medical room and two were outside the lower storage decks. The cavernous rooms were empty.